[Random Thoughts]: Overthinking

Sometimes the fact that I'm no longer a teenager makes me scary. You gotta be an adult, which sooner or later, you will hold all responsibilities by yourself. I'm not saying that it's scary to own the responsibilities, because you're being alive means you're responsible for your own life. What scares me the most is I don't know whether I will have a job. All these times I spent my time to see job vacancies, and I can't see my major being listed in every single criteria that those companies are looking for.


I really need a job, so that I will pay my stuffs by myself. I don't want to ask money to my parents, considering my relationship with my mom. An Asian mom. We are always arguing. Not because I want to, but she always assuming as if everything is my fault. Really. I need to get out of my house to stay away from mental disorder.


Is it that serious? Yes, mate. I spent 20 years of my life being scary and overthinking for every single thing. I'm scared of people's opinion, accusations, etc. All those toxic thoughts that leads me to the lack of self-confidence. Even writing unnecessary stuff like this scares me. I suffered because of my mom's judgement towards me.


If only I could turn back time, I would tell myself to love myself, even if my mom telling me that I'm ugly, stupid, all those shits she said about me. I don't want other people to experience the same thing like me, so I want to tell you guys, whatever people say about you, please take it as a feedback, not a judgement. Take it as an evaluation. Be yourself, but in a better version.